get inside my head.

break #2. i REALLY hope this works this time around..
ily:]

ok, so i hit a major pothole.

this first month of school has given me severe anxiety and depression.
i do nothing but school work.
no time for ANYTHING ELSE. not myself or my boy friend.
and the time i do spend, is time that i dont have to waste, like right now.
fuck
i have nothing to look forward to, and i just think things will just get worse and harder for me to handle.
hopefully the doctor can help me on tuesday..
and then on friday of next week i have to go see a back doctor. shits always been messed up
i need to be on so many meds. mainly ADD & anxiety. i dont want to of course, but at this point in time i need to be
i hate being on meds

where did life go?

i just have to put myself to it, and fucking do it. i know i can.  things are constantly changing. not bad, but not always good.  have to get through the bad to get the good, right? right.  Brian and i are great, we have progressed so much as a couple, its amazing.  weve learned how to actually deal with and handle things that come between us.  we've definitely matured together, immensely.  neither of us really do drugs anymore.  well i smoke weed rarely now a days, like once a week or every two weeks, brian hates getting high now.  i dot drink much, cant say the same for him.  haven't done any hard drugs in over a year.  i do not consider tripping a hard drug, last time i took cid was voodoo (which was still about a year ago), last time i took shrooms was a few months ago, but it wasn't even enough to really trip, so don't count it.  its weird going from smoking weed everyday to rarely smoking it, not the physical or mental effects (because there were none for mr), but im just talking about just thinking about it and looking back on it.  I kind of miss it, i like the feeling and effect it has on me, but i just dont have the time anymore, or the money.  since i got my job, i was so stingy with it.  i saved up to buy all my books, a new phone, a new laptop, everything for my dorm, and new clothes to wear to school. i spent just about all the money i had made busting my ass at that vet all summer and end of the school year.  feels great.  at the moment, i only work there on sundays for about 2-3 hours.  i definitely wouldnt be able to maintain a job right now.  i have no free time to do anything but eat, sleep, study/homework.  and when i do go out on weekends, its only for a few hours, then i go home early.  its whatever.  a lot is changing right now.  im starting a new chapter in my life, and everything that comes along with it is new.  or old in a sense, actually.  but i also feel i'm losing everything i once knew, everything i was completely comfortable with.  its all part of this right?  my mom has become my closet, greatest, and best friend. i don't have a problem with it, i love my mom.  but of course with close girl friends the same age as you, you do share a bit of different things, haha. mom doesn' even like to say the word sex when it involves me.  and Brian of course, is another one of my closest companions, he's my best friend, my boyfriend, and pretty much my girlfriends, all in one, hahaha.  gah, i love him so much.  but besides those two, i feel like everyone else that was close or says that they are close to me, or a good or best friend, has just kind of slowly faded away, or is slowly fading away.  but i love my family and boyfriend more than anything, and i know they sure as hell love me :) my kitties, Sasha and BabyKitty, are also my bessfwends! sad, but true.  just like they say dog is man's best friend, well my fucking cats are two of mine.  so back the fuck off 'cause they will eat yous alive, or just scratch/bite you to death :) my roommates name is Alexandra/Alex, and she is such a sweetheart.  she's so fucking nice and caring, and she's funny, has a great fashion sense, brought up very well it seems, doesn't really drink, never done any drugs, comes from a wealthy family, has a nice boyfriend.  one bad thing, well it's not  bad, but i just find it strange haha, she goes to bed at like 9:30 or so.  and a good thing: is that she goes back home on the weekends (to Luling), and sometimes during the week she's not here much either, but said that being a good thing because i like to study alone and completely quiet, and if i do happen to come in late, i wont be waking her up when and if i do. 

i don't know what else to update on.  i didn't want this entry to be this long... woah, haha.

ummmmm, i'm having troubles with classes and information, but hopefully that will get fixed soon enough.
OH. Brian and I make 13 months this sunday. we made it over a year, damn thats a long time for a relationship. but just think of my brother, hes been dating his high school sweetheart ever since 8th grade, and hes 23 now. thats 6 years, and they are so perfectly happy. he picked out her ring the other day, and for some reason that makes me feel like i wont be as close with him, like ill lose him in a way and i really do not like that.  and i think hes took young to be getting married, but im pretty damn sure they are ready for it, or i sure as hell hope so.  if she ever broke my darling brothers heart, id break her face.  but if he ever broke her herat, id probably break his face too, haha. i love the both of them.
ps ive been on my period for two weeks, and i started birth control on sunday.. doesn't make sense. and my last period before this one began on the 18th or 19th. really doesnt make sense, anyone wanna tell me if it makes sense to them..? and no, im not prego, i took a test before i started the birth control. wtf?! :(

if something else comes up, ill just add to. night d00d

pps it took me an hour to write this. wth

youre "close" friends arent who you think they are .



fuck fake immature bitches

later

i need to get it together, finally.. but i feel my ADD wont ever let me do that, haha.
i feel i need to change. change toward others that arent close with me.
i need to be comfortable with myself around everybody, not just people who already may know who i am.
and i think ive achieved this with most people, but i still need a change anyways.
whether it be with how i act or just my inside.

i mean, dont get me wrong, im happy with who i am. but there are always changes that can be made, and id like to make them.
i just have trouble starting. and trouble committing to my changes.





OOOOOOH GOOOOODNESS, AM I READY

its been forever since ive put anything on here. things r goin good. i start loyola at tha end of august. i have a roommate, but i have yet to meet her in person. her names alexandra broussard, she seems real nice. me n brian r doing well, made 10 months on the 20th, so almost a year. i still have ma job at tha vet, but when school starts i will only be workin there on saturdays n sundays. i plan on tryin to get a job upt or at loyola, so i can still continue to stay independent n make that guape. then ill be able to get another car n pay insurance on it. theeeeeen get an apartment.. but that last parts years in the makin.
have a nice day. hi haters, keep hatin.

I really hate when ur jealous but then act a fuckin hypocrite to the max like wtf? N how am I supposed to react when u do shit like that?? I hate ur relationship wit some ppl


I DONT FUCKING GET PEOPLE
FUCK YOU ALL BITCH ASS MOTHER FUCKERS
one more day of high school for the rest of my life

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. things are changing
EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED OR IS CHANGING. i guess its for the better.
everything happens for a reason, right?
I FINALLY GOT A JOB. AT A VET :) I START TUESDAY. i hope i like it, its gonna be a lot of work.
i need this though. so ya.



AHHHHHHH LIFES STRANGE HUH

this is all so strange. stranger than anything ive come across.
ugh i hate it.

my world has turned upside down and now everything is all confusing plus difficult plus a COMPLETE MESS




!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 shove it buttface

did i mention that sara's back?
cause she is, she has been since like right before i went to new york over the xmas holidays.
im so happy that shes back, I LOVE MY BABYCAKES! i think her personality has changed for the better in my opinion, but shes still the same ole girl. i probably wouldnt have it any other way to tell you the truth though.
meee soo tiiiiiiiiiiired

FUCK a Breann s!
The game doesn't go like that, at all. I guess its nice of you to do and everything but mind your own business, its just not your place at all to say anything. So keep out


Ugh, Friendships are getting bashed for wrong reasons left and right

Keep my name out your mouth and yours will stay outta mine. Thank you very much.

I REALLY DONT GIVE A FLYING FUCK!!!

YOU'RE NOT IN MY LIFE AND ID LIKE FOR IT TO STAY THAT WAY.
SO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP TALKING SHIT!
Like what the hell, pull shit out your ass??!! OBVIOUSLY ! hahahahahaha HAHA HA!

..YOU'RE STUPID!

The fact that you think you can fix your own problems by just blaming other people and pulling them in when they have nothing to do with anything, nor ever will, is just HILARIOUS... And its also hilarious that you think I would care about something like that or even tell you. I DONT GIVE A SHIT.

I live my life. She lives hers. Live your own.

SERIOUSLY GROW THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!









bitches on ma stick!

:). :/

we'll see if things actually change

not liking much of anything right now. id say im unhappy...?
im trying so hard

What the fuck

So a while ago, Jonathan did end up leaving to go to rehab. I hung out with him the day before he left. Its a 3 month program. And its a place based off of scientology, or however you spell it. Its $30,000. Just for 3 months.

He messaged me about a week or maybe two weeks ago and said that he was back from rehab... On suspension. He had someway found a way to drink for new years, got drunk and shared with two other people, got caught and was suspended, sent back home for two weeks. And if he goes back and fails a drug test his parents have to pay another $2,500.

A bit ridiculous?
I think so

I love brian. He is amazing. And I don't care what you think about it or him. Weirdly, its almost been a half of a year since we've started talking and going out. I feel like we're even better now that we've went on our little vacation together. :) ah, he makes me so happy.


New york was awesome. I had a wonderful time. Me and brian barely even faught at all. It was a great trip. I definitely want to go back and visit again.



Today its a year since Maddy passed away. My mom woke up this morning thinking about Maddy and she didn't even know that it was her one year. So strange. I love you, Maddy. You are thought about and missed everyday by many. See you again one day babygirl. Love you Maddy Prevost, rest in peace.

Form your stupid opinions and whatever else you do when things like this happen. Do what you want cause no one cares. I don't care what you think. Just keep your shit to yourself this time, please cause I'm not in the mood to hear what your view on things are and your bitch ass mean negative twofaced energy input into everything. Get over yourself, leave me and my life alone

so sick
Of EVERYONE
and their completely ridiculous
BILLSHIT


grow up









Ps. Its snowing. In new orleans

i just went back and read all my entries, open and personal private ones. the ones when i was at my all time lowest points. they're horrible to read. i was so extremely depressed. just reading them again made me remember how i felt at times. not really feel those feelings but remember what i put myself through and what i had went through.
when i had met diego and when we were talking and the whole time going out and about a month or two after we broke up, i was so fucking depressed through of all it. FUCK A WHOLE BUNCH OF THAT
oh god. i was clinically depressed. it was so bad. all the shit i went through because of him. he had no clue at the time and still doesnt to this day and probably never will. i cant even begin to remember all of the feelings i had felt during that time.
i dont regret ANY moment of ANY of it though

ive learned so much in the past like year and half
and ive also grow up so fucking much since then

thats why i like these things. some people think livejournals are so stupid and pointless. but they work perfectly for me. im able to go back and read how i felt and things i can like open myself up to again... i dont know how to put what im trying to say in words. but with these i can remember my ups and my downs, and by writing things down i can get them out. they dont hae to necessarily be viewed by anyone else, or only certain people, or you can let the whole world know. these things are also great because i can go back and reflect on how my life has changed or how ive changed and what ive been through and realize how strong i am. the thoughts inside my head are able to be released, and much more easily because when im typing im able to just let things flow unlike on paper when things are slow and i forget what im even thinking about.

and things way way way in my past like when i was 14 and shit. i have on here. or transferred from another online journal. things i went through then i can also remember and reflect on. its great.

i miss my dad.
i wish i could remember more things about him.
sometimes i forget what he even looked like.
they say you will always have your memories, but memories fade too..and it sucks
i always wonder how things would be if he were here today.
a WHOLE HELL OF A LOT DIFFERENT, i know that.

this is a very strange entry.

i got my glasses today, i can see but i have to stay up late again and put drops in ym eyes every hour still. FUCK. I NEED SLEEEEEEP